Friday, 27 September 2013


A Rainbow....
seems to be the universal symbol of

That's why I chose this picture
from many that I took
from our windows last year!

We seem to have a lot of rainbows here
particularly in November.

God said that, when we saw it,
we would remember His promise to us....

So why am I showing this
of all the pictures that I could have chosen?

I was on the way to my doctor this morning
and thought
'Why am I feeling so flat....almost dead inside?'

I realised that I really didn't care about anything and
didn't want to do anything.

As a counsellor
I knew I was depressed....

....and asked myself what had happened.
I had been so positive...
and had been pushing myself 
to do some of the things I missed

Although I was in constant pain...
I was taking control of my life again.....
and it felt GOOD

So....what went wrong??

I tried to think when it had started...
and realised that 
it had been going on for about a month.

So....what happened a month ago?

It was when I saw my consultant in the local hospital.
He had not been happy that...
I had the last op in Cardiff........
and wanted to write to them to see 
what they had done.

That is all good and fair..
and very wise and reasonable
the hospital in Cardiff
is terrible for correspondence.
I had to write and phone so many times
to get them to write to my Dr
as they had, even, not written to him
to tell him they had operated!
That was 6 months after!!

I realised my sense of 
hopelessness and helplessness
started there!

I am just sooooo weary
and having to start all over again...
trying to get information
and then to get them to write about it correctly
feels just too much!!

I have now had over 5 years
of trying to get help
and get some sort of pain relief.
I do not like having to be on painkillers

I feel like I have lost hope!

Sorry for moaning
now you know why I have not posted 
for nearly a month.
I feel I have nothing to say

I have followed others' blogs
and I can see that they are going through things that are far worse than my problems
 and are, even, life threatening
so I really have nothing to complain about

this is me....
I know that I have to 
'pull myself together and get on with it'!!
I don't know now 
when the information will come through....
when, if ever, they will decide to operate.

So.... for the moment
I have lost hope.
I know that I will recoup
but...just at this feels...

Sorry about this miserable post
but I've read often enough
where people are urged to be open 
and be themselves.

I know I will come about so please don't 
stop following me....or...
give up on me...
please give me time....

Hence the rainbow....
symbol of hope...
of a new start..